Kansas gonna Kansas: Top 5 coaching candidates to continue our football tradition

Welcome back to Cam’s Corner fellow Jayhawk fans! I’ve been taking a hiatus from blogging to focus on my priorities in life such as 12 ounce curls as well as pointless conspiracy theory YouTube videos (I lead a weird life).

Anyway, enough about my personal free time. It’s time to talk about the man who will be enjoying lots of free time and free money: David Beaty. Our glorious athletic director Jeff Long has informed the World that Beaty will be finishing out this season, but not returning for the 2019 season. Now, let’s be honest here: the only person happy that he’s coaching out the rest of the season is Peyton  Bender. Regardless, after the end of the season Kansas will be searching for a qualified candidate to take over one of the most highly sought after head coaching positions in the country (cue Jim Harbaugh’s WHOSE GOT IT BETTER THAN US vid).

Here are my top 5 candidates to further enrich the Kansas football tradition:

1. Lou Holtz:  Jeff Long stated in his presser that Kansas is searching for a head coach with a proven track record of success. Well, look no further. Lou Holtz boasts a beautiful 242-132-7 record as a head coach. More than likely you’re probably asking why there’s the 7 at the end of his record. Well, to be honest he coached so long ago that they allowed tie games. Nonetheless, a spitting after every syllable, senile head coach is what we need. Expect a plethora of punts on third downs when the ole’ ball coach forgets what down it is.

2. Bill Self: Let’s be honest here. Bill Self is the best thing to happen to the state of Kansas since the government declared the state university should be located in Lawrence, not Manhattan. Most people consider him the greatest basketball coach in program history, but what about football? I mean if Phog Allen could boast a 34-19 record as a football coach, Bill Self could easily do the same. I’d expect several  college football playoff appearances, approximately 14 straight big twelve titles and one hell of an FBI investigation.

3. Lesser Miles: We’ve all heard of Les Miles, but what about his younger brother, Lesser? Who in their right mind would want a 65 year old proven head coach with a national championship and an overall coaching record of 114-49 when you can get his angry little brother. Sitting at 64 years old, and 250 pounds heavier, Lesser Miles has proven himself a champion after moving up the ladder at his local McDonald’s restaurant all the way from the fry guy at age 19, to the manager at age 64. With a little brother mentality and a generic knowledge of football expect great things to come with this hire. Plus the free McDonald’s would boost our offensive line.

4. Lee Corso: There’s been little buzz surrounding the Kansas football program essentially since losing our buffet loving, allegedly player abusing coach in 2009 in Mark Mangino. This would be a bold move seeing Corso is 83 years old, but we’re looking for a short term boost and having college gameday being held by ransom in Lawrence each Saturday would be a start. Similar to the potential hire of Holtz, play calling might be shaky as Corso struggles to remember which team he picked to win on Saturday’s let alone who has the ball.

5. Bavid Deaty: According to inside sources, Jeff Long has been in serious discussions with a man who looks strikingly similar to David Beaty, despite the oddly shaped nose, trench coat, fedora, and mustache that looks too good to be true. Bavid has a mysterious origin story as nobody seems to know where he came from, if he’s even coached before or hell, even if he’s a United States citizen. But one thing is for certain: he talks a mean game His specialities include wasting timeouts on fourth down before punting, not utilizing 4 star running backs, and beating teams from Texas.

 

Your move, Mr. Long

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